I choose not to choose

The good book says that a man is special because he has free will. To choose. I have to admit that I have always been skeptical about choosing. I still don’t understand why a person can not have/do/feel everything …

I remember in my childhood I have been very sick with high fever for a couple of days. I could only sleep, occasionally lifting my head to ask for the water. After a few days, I felt better. Of course, being a kid, I went straight to the yard to my friends. I knew I was doing a wrong thing, but the weather was so beautiful … The sun was shining and it was hot. Everyone knows the feeling of the first hot summer day after a long and chilly spring…It feels amazing. Then, for the first time in my life, I felt that I am missing out. It’s a scary feeling. At least it was for me. So the next thing I did, I joined some kind of game with my friends. Of course, with a lot of jumping and running involved. After a couple of minutes, I was suffocating and my heart was bouncing. Then for the first time in my life, I felt old. Though at that time I was seven. The feeling was even scarier than missing out. I realized that I never want to feel this way again. Never want to feel how my life is slipping through my fingers as a quicksand. It may as well be that this was the moment I have decided to choose as little as possible in my life. I have decided to take everything 100%. Be in two places at once if I needed. Not limit myself to social prejudices and do not spend my evenings watching TV …

People are accustomed to choosing. A sports car or a family van; family or travel; a house outside the city or a small apartment in the city center; dog or cat; a favorite or a profitable job … and this happens in every single step we make. Quite funny, but do you know what is the most popular excuse why did people wanted to do one thing, and did something completely different? Family or other long-term commitment … here you go… When did having a family became a constraint? Please tell me why to have a partner in life has to mean that you need to “get serious” and refuse all the vitality in your life? Shouldn’t the right relationship be a liberation rather than limitation? Shouldn’t the “right” person push you towards the fulfillment of your dreams rather than pull back? Is it even possible to fool yourself that the choice is “right” if it makes you feel as if life was fading? Is it possible to be happy and not enjoy life with all your senses? Magical – “to choose”. I think “right” should be measured differently. To my mind “right” is that person who is the best friend to you and you enjoy every second with them. Not only making love to but also washing dishes, traveling, even crying and arguing. I think that the “right” partner is a partner in everything. To my humble mind, it should be equally satisfying to laugh as well as cry with this person. To go on another spontaneous road trip as well as to create the home for your children. That should be the person whom you can trust with your life, money and your heart. Someone you are not afraid of losing because you know that he/she will always be there for you…

That day when after a serious illness I ran away to play with my friends my mother was seriously furious with me. You need to get well! – she said! Of course, she was right. But I argued. Of course. After such existentialist experiences, it seemed that I had the right to do anything 🙂 Then she called me assertive and rigid. And she was right. I am rigid in certain cases. Even the good book says I have such a right. I choose not to choose.