Since today is dedicated to all the women of the world, let’s talk about femininity. The subject I have been struggling with for a while. Maybe that sounds a bit weird for a woman of my age. I have been a woman for my entire life, right? But you have to know few facts about me that would provide the answer why am I struggling.

The Past

My granddad professionally played football (soccer). Since I have always been grandpas’ girl, I have spent a lot of time in the field. Not actually in the field (I never learned how to play football) but hanging around whatever was happening around the field. Not sure if that was the main reason but my friends until fifth grade were all boys. We rode bicycles, played Indians and cowboys, splashed puddles and ran around. Since then, I guess, I have always felt easy around boys – they are straight forward, active, no drama and loyal friends. On the other hand, friendships with girls have always been complicated for me. It was always hard for me to trust another woman. I have never been able to understand where their loyalties lie. Even now when I am grown up woman, the number of my male friends far exceeds these three or four females whom I can call my friends.

I guess this is the main reason why I have never learned how to use my femininity. Don’t get me wrong, I can be flirty and giggly muse when I’m in the right mood, but I have never learned how to use it to my advantage. Instead, having a very strong and always working mother as well as my own desire to travel, taught me how to take care of myself. I can change the tire and I almost never whine in uncomfortable situations 🙂

The Present

Coming back to the present, I have been riding a lot with the guys lately. (if you want to read more about that, read my blog First Winter Season in the Alps) I have understood that there are a lot of occasions when I feel completely different than them – not motivated, weaker, more afraid. That got me thinking. At first, I was very disappointed in myself. I started to think less about myself because I could not keep up. Talked about that with a female friend and she laughed at me: “Darling”, – she said. “It’s not that you are weaker, you are finally recognizing a woman inside you.”

That got me thinking – what is femininity then? And what does it mean for me personally? I definitely will not start to make candles or arrange flowers. No offence for those who does that but it’s just not me. I even had to google “The most feminine hobbies” since I have no clue what they are 😀

Just Listen

So I started to listen to myself. Before doing something, I ask myself whenever I want to do it. I started to pay attention to the resistance if there was any and recognize it. And guess what? I started to feel in tune with myself. It doesn’t mean that suddenly I know what to do, but I feel much better. I realized that depending on the time in the month, a year or even a season, I feel different about different activities. For example, one of my favorite activities right now is learning new tricks on skies. However, there are days when I am afraid to make even the tiniest moves. And it’s ok – it’s my natural cycle. It’s just time to take it easy and instead of beating myself up, love me more.

Another thing that hit me while I was listening to myself. Most of the women these days are required to perform every day. Work hard every day, go home make dinner, look attractive, be fashionable, take care of the family, wash clothes etc. Tell me my dearest, where do you find time for all of it?

Make Time for You

Let’s simply look at the number of hours we all have per day. If I have an energetic day I wake up at 7 a.m. o’clock, after a coffee and breakfast I am on the mountain till 12 maybe 1 p.m. (if not on the mountain I have some other training for my body). Then I walk my dog (being in the forest or other nature is a very important part of my emotional stability), have a quick shower, go to the shop and make some lunch, eat. It’s already 3-4 p.m. Then I sit to work. Approximately that takes me 3-4 hours. And then it’s already evening. I eat again or go out with friends for food. At around 11 p.m. I try to be in my bed, read a book or watch a movie and go to sleep. Of course, I keep my schedule flexible and if I need to do more work, I always find the time. I have been working very hard to have a schedule like this. I made difficult choices and adjusted my priorities to have freedom like this. But I did this in full understanding that as a woman I need more time for myself, for my freedom, for the things and people I love – that is what femininity means to me at this point of my life.

However, looking back at my own path I am worried about the girls who work 8 hours a day? How do you girls manage? Where do you find time for yourself and the things you love? When do you connect to your femininity? Does it work for you?

P.S. The cover picture was taken at a very important and feminine part of my and Raketas’ (the black wolf) life. She was pregnant and we were waiting for the miracle to happen. The picture was taken by amazing Vaiva Abromaityte and edited by a wonder woman Kristina Keke.

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